Satellite Down
by Knave Iespyk
Summary: A parody of my least favorite G.I. Joe episode of all time.


Satellite Downed

  
  


[G.I. Joe headquarters. Our valiant fighting force are standing around in the control room huddled over Breaker's chair.]

  
  


Duke: Come on New Orleans. Pass the ball!

  
  


Breaker: No, don't! I've got ten bucks riding on you losing!

  
  


Duke: Yeah! Alright!

  
  


(There's assorted high fives from the Joes.)

  
  


Breaker: Now what? Should we launch that super secret satellite?

  
  


Duke: The one you claim can track any Cobra activity?

  
  


Breaker: Yeah. That one.

  
  


Duke: And how does the satellite know what's Cobra and what isn't?

  
  


Breaker: It's, uh, the Cobra symbols. They're all made from the same kind of cloth and...

  
  


Duke: Breaker, you're lying and we know it. The satellite doesn't actually track them, does it.

  
  


Breaker: Well, we need a plot. As long as Cobra believes it works...

  
  


[At Cobra Headquarters]

  
  


Destro: Cobra Commander! The Joes have launched their top secret Cobra spy satellite. We must gain control of it.

  
  


Cobra Commander: Yes. Then we'd know exactly where our troops are. I'm still sure that Major Bludd doesn't have an Aunt Rita to go visit.

  
  


Destro: As long as it helps me find my car keys... At any rate. It just so happens that I've got a satellite override device.

  
  


(Destro produces a remote control and hooks it to the nearest computer. He fiddles with it for a moment. Cut to the satellite suddenly taking on a reddish tinge, indicating it's evil. Back to Joe headquarters.)

  
  


Breaker: We have a plot! Now to use the "Crash the satellite to a plot contrivance" feature... Hey! It landed somewhere in Africa.

  
  


Duke: Do we have anyone in Africa?

  
  


Breaker: Yeah. By some amazing co-incidence, Spirit and Dusty are in the area.

  
  


Duke: Good. Then, since I'm no longer needed in this episode, I'll send Flint and a couple of others down to meet them. Warn Spirit and Dusty that they're on their own.

  
  


(Twin Skystrikers fly over the African jungles.)

  
  


Dusty: Why were we in the area again?

  
  


Spirit: Because the fates willed it... That and it's the only way we could've gotten air time.

  
  


Dusty: Oh...

  
  


Spirit: I'm picking up something hot on the scanners.

  
  


Dusty: Why, Spirit! I didn't know you felt that way about me. I mean I know I'm cute and all but...

  
  


Spirit: Be quiet. I was referring to the large plume of smoke in the distance.

  
  


Dusty: Hey, look, Storm Shadow's there too... Well if Cobra's involved then you can bet the slippery serpents are up to some sneaky snaky trick.

  
  


Spirit: Then we should land and help him clean up his act.

  
  


Dusty: That's the easiest way. You know we can't hit squat with our missiles.

  
  


(As the planes get closer we realize that some guy's hut is on fire. Storm Shadow starts to run away.)

  
  


Storm Shadow: I felt your presence, Spirit.

  
  


Spirit: And now you shall feel my wrath.

  
  


Dusty: Uh. I got a laser... Wait. You're saying you set the old guy's house on fire because you could sense Spirit?

  
  


Storm Shadow: That and I could smell you.

  
  


(Spirit runs to rescue the old man from the house. Storm Shadow catches Dusty napping and destroys his gun with a ninja star.)

  
  


Dusty: Let's see some of your Kung Fool.

  
  


Storm Shadow: Could you please stop the jokes?

  
  


Dusty: No can Tae Kwon Do you ninjerk.

  
  


Storm Shadow: I would finish you off, but your jokes are too terrible. I must run away!

  
  


Spirit: I have found Doctor MacIntosh. He's a hermit and the last survivor of an expedition to this region. Something about Primorgs killing everyone else.

  
  


MacIntosh: I'm no hermit. I just live out in the middle of nowhere by myself. And the Primorgs are real.

  
  


Dusty: Sure they are. Come on, there's a ratty bridge up ahead, we'll meet Flint up there.

  
  


(Cut to the Cobra base. Storm Shadow is on the monitor. A Crimson Guardsman behind him holds a "Hi Mom" sign.)

  
  


Storm Shadow: I do not like this. I sense a very disturbing presence.

  
  


Cobra Commander: Enough. I saw you eating twenty tacos. That's what your "disturbing presence" is, indigestion.

  
  


Destro: It could be, Commander, but Storm Shadow possesses strange powers. I would not discount them so... oh my, I think I sense a disturbing presence too!

  
  


(Destro runs to the bathroom.)

  
  


Cobra Commander: He only ate twelve.

  
  


(Cut to the rope bridge.)

  
  


Dusty: Have you tested the bridge yet?

  
  


Flint: Nope. Why would we do that?

  
  


Lady Jaye: We'll test it. Come on Spirit and MacIntosh... I like riding in jeeps with men twice my age.

  
  


Dusty: Hnh. She's got guts Flint, you like women with guts?

  
  


Flint: She's got guts alright, and a liver, a spleen, ten kidneys (don't ask me where she got the extra), a heart and...

  
  


Storm Shadow: (In a trouble bubble) Attack!

  
  


(There's a brief fire fight as trouble bubbles and gliders come down. The three in the jeep barely make it to the other side. The Joes retreat into the woods where they are attacked by Storm Shadow and foot soldiers. The battle is interrupted as ape men descend from the trees and capture everyone involved. Storm Shadow tries to get away, but fails. Only Freedom is not carted away. Switch to Flint and company, still at the canyon.)

  
  


Flint: Dammit! Lady Jaye's in terrible danger.

  
  


Dusty: Spirit and MacIntosh too...

  
  


Flint: Yeah, yeah, Ghost and Red Delicious are captured too. Sorry, Dusty. I just want a bridge.

  
  


Dusty: Well it's a good thing we decided to bring along Tollbooth and the Bridge Layer.

  
  


Flint: Oh yeah. Bridge Layer, do your thing.

  
  


Tollbooth: One bridge, coming right up.

  
  


(The Bridge Layer comes, drops its bridge {conveniently the right length} and the Joes cross.)

  
  


Freedom: Squawk!

  
  


Dusty: What's that Freedom? Spirit's trapped in a well?

  
  


Freedom: Squawk!

  
  


Flint: Dusty. Birds can't talk. They don't understand what we say...

  
  


(Freedom flies to Flint and bites his nose. Then goes back to Dusty.)

  
  


Dusty: I think we should follow him.

  
  


Flint: Why not? Better than nothing.

  
  


(Back to the Primorg camp.)

  
  


MacIntosh: It's a good thing these things are myths eh?

  
  


Lady Jaye: Yeah. Nice myths. What's going to happen to us?

  
  


Spirit: I would venture to speculate that based on the large rock dangling above another rock and the gesticulations that they intend to sacrifice us to their god.

  
  


Lady Jaye: What god?

  
  


MacIntosh: Och, aye, the one they're bringing out. The one which looks like a satellite.

  
  


Lady Jaye: Hey! That's our satellite.

  
  


Storm Shadow: This is not an honourable way for a warrior to die.

  
  


Lady Jaye: Yeah, but it'll suit you fine.

  
  


Storm Shadow: Why do you insult me? I have feelings too!

  
  


(Lady Jaye is grabbed and pushed towards the sacrificing slab.)

  
  


Lady Jaye: Y'know. I'm all for equal rights. Why not one of the guys first?

  
  


Spirit: At least the slab is clean. No blood to get on your uniform.

  
  


Lady Jaye: Well, when I go splat there'll be plenty of blood on it, I'm sure.

  
  


Crimson Guard: You could always take it off...

  
  


Storm Shadow: Silence. You are not paid to speak.

  
  


Spirit: We should team up.

  
  


Storm Shadow: Agreed. We will form an alliance.

  
  


Spirit: Look! Freedom!

  
  


(Freedom squawks and cuts Lady Jaye's arm free. She rolls out of the way and grabs a spear. She hurls it and chops Spirit's bonds free. He frees the others. There's a brief skirmish.)

  
  


Spirit: As my shaman would say. "Pass the dried yams."

  
  


Lady Jaye: What?

  
  


Spirit: I meant to say, "Let us depart from this current location and move to an entirely different one."

  
  


Lady Jaye: In other words?

  
  


Spirit: Let's go!

  
  


(The Joes and Cobras run for it. They duck into where some baby Primorgs are hiding.)

  
  


Storm Shadow: For no adequately explained reason, I am cancelling our treaty.

  
  


(Storm Shadow throws a grenade at the Joes as he and the other Cobras flee. Lady Jaye, Spirit and MacIntosh protect the baby Primorgs and meet up with Flint.)

  
  


Flint: Lady Jaye! You're alright. I was worried about you.

  
  


Lady Jaye: That's understandable, and I'm not upset.

  
  


Spirit: What about a hug and kiss for me?

  
  


Flint: Well... Just this once, Spirit.

  
  


(They're interrupted as the Primorgs arrive.)

  
  


Primorg Chief: Ota! Ota!

  
  


Dusty: I think that means "Friend."

  
  


Flint: I'd make a sarcastic reply, but last time I did, Freedom bit me. So sure, why not. Dusty is our Doctor Doolittle.

  
  


Dusty: That's right. I do little after this episode.

  
  


Flint: Well, it's the last few minutes of the episode, let's go have our final showdown. Yo Joe!

  
  


(There's a mass fight scene between Cobra and the Joe/Primorg team.)

  
  


Primorg: Ota! Ota! Yojoe! Yojoe!

  
  


Dusty: Hey, you're speaking my language!

  
  


(Storm Shadow draws his sword to meet Spirit's spear. Spirit breaks the spear.)

  
  


Storm Shadow: That sword is hundreds of years old, and had one day left til retirement!

  
  


Spirit: It is broken, just as your vow was broken and as this spear was broken off a tree.

  
  


Storm Shadow: Nobody may insult me, especially you.

  
  


Spirit: Lady Jaye did earlier.

  
  


Storm Shadow: You are correct. Now I must flee in disgrace.

  
  


(Meanwhile a Crimson Guard has grabbed the satellite with a grappling hook and starts flying away. Flint runs over and grabs the satellite. The Guard, foolishly, waits until Flint is half way up the rope before cutting it. Flint grabs onto the Guard's foot and is about to throw him out.)

  
  


Flint: Do you have a parachute?

  
  


Guard: Yeah.

  
  


Flint: Good.

  
  


(Flint tosses the Guard out. The Joes and Primorgs celebrate. The Joes drive away.)

  
  


Flint: Well. Another mission completed.

  
  


Dusty: Yeah, but Breaker won't be happy that you broke his satellite.

  
  


Flint: Breaker can bite me.

  
  


Lady Jaye: And the Primorgs will be upset that we broke their god.

  
  


Spirit: I suspect they'll know what to do with their new god.

  
  


Flint: Where'd you get the television set, anyway?

  
  


Spirit: I took it from Tollbooth. Why do you think he didn't appear again?

  
  


Flint: Oh.

  
  


(Cut to Primorgs watching "Satellite Down." Primorg chief growls and smashes the set with his club.)

  
  


Dusty: And that's your moral. You're better off smashing your tv than watching Satellite Down.

  
  


Kids: Now we know.

  
  


Dusty: And knowing is half the battle.

  
  


Kids: What's the other half?

  
  


Dusty: Senseless violence.


End file.
